These Words

"It's not to provoke, as in poke at them. And it's not either to clean up misrepresentation or representation about me, although it's the fucking truest, most honest things I can do. I mean, look that's it, the only thing left is to actually stick a straw in my fucking arm and start sucking. I mean besides insertion, it's about as personal as I get. I don't know why I have the need to be so spread-eagled for all to consume. I certainly don't consider myself a social worker, or charitable, by releasing these to the public. That don't enter my mind and, besides the fucking boredom of the purge of it, I think because a lot of those sentiments other people have and they can identify with it.
Whether they have had them and would like to forget about them, or haven't had them and would like to have had them.

Not that it's such a seperate reality of just expressing this one tiny thing, one tiny fucking girl, one very small, unimportant, very emotional, almost too sensitive, thinking girl. Just the way I am. That's all I'm talking about. That's all I'm showing. Why? I don't know. What people get from it, whether it's masturbatory vouyerism, masochism, sadism for others, whether it's 'haha, isn't this a dirty tape', whether it's 'God, it's really too bad about Lydia isn't it?' Whether it's none of the above, I don't know, but I want it to be availbale for those that want it. For those that can appreciate it on whatever ground they're interpreting it on.

I don't know, I can't tell them what to think or how to feel after they've heard this. All I can hope is that they're going to think and they are going to feel something... other than (wanking gesture) well, even that's alright, so long as it's not 'Click', 'Oh, I think I'll get a beer now, then go watch TV'.
Maybe if it just leaves a hole in their head for 2 seconds of time after they've done it, that would be satisfactory enough for me..."

Y'know, 'I'm as perfect as I'll ever be, isn't it obvious?' But I am looking for improvement constantly, I dunno, try and try again. But I don't think it's an endless struggle. They've termed this phrase recently, which I read in this article on Van Gogh and they claimed he was not insane, he merely had something called 'homoglophobia' or something, which meant a compulsion to create. It's more of a psychological defecit than like some artistic nagging.

I mean it's satisfying to a degree, it's satisfying going through all that shit. It's always satisfying at the time, no matter how fucked up I am at the moment, through my past, just in psychological experiments to either prove or get over the past, I just don't have to prove those things to myself anymore. Also because sometimes you equate brutality with other things, which are totally fraudulent, just because it's what your association is. Y'know, the tricks of the association. So it's really hard to get the point where you can appreciate the lack of brutality. because sometimes if you don't have it then you think this boring, this is dull, this is routine, this is not exciting.

That's a really very hard thing to overcome, that self-destructiveness, because you're either feeling dead or you're doing things to make you dead. But I'm not like that anymore. I'm very much alive! And vibrant and living and probably will be for some time to come. Inspite of myself."

Images by Rosemary Laing

No comments: